Love is Real...It's the Only Thing that Is

“A Course in Miracles says that only love is real: “The opposite of love is fear, but what is all-encompassing can have no opposite.” When we think with love, we are literally co-creating with God. And when we’re not thinking with love, since only love is real, then we’re actually not thinking at all. We’re hallucinating. And that’s what this world is: a mass hallucination, where fear seems more real than love. Fear is an illusion. Our craziness, paranoia, anxiety and trauma are literally all imagined. That is not to say they don’t exist for us as human beings. They do. But our fear is not our ultimate reality, and it does not replace the truth of who we really are. Our love, which is our real self, doesn’t die, but merely goes underground.” 

― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

Since birth, movement has been a part of my life.  I was a competitive figure skater starting at the age of four and then shifted gears to team sports like little league softball, then school sports like volleyball, basketball and track & field.  

I didn’t know what life was like not to be able to move however I wanted, until I got pregnant.  When I was in my second trimester, I stopped running.  It didn’t feel good, so I didn’t do it.  A few months later, cycling became uncomfortable and then in the last month, I did not want to step my feet from downward-facing-dog to the top of my mat, even if someone was paying me.  

I could, however, always walk.  

As a result, or not, when my daughter entered the outside world, she wanted to move.  She didn’t nap unless she was on my boob, in a carrier or in a stroller.  Cars, however, she did not.  So, when I was a fresh new mama, I was walking a lot and traveling was non-existent.  For those of you who know we used to have a camper van… that is one reason I persisted on getting rid of it.    

During the beginning of quarantine, her school closed and I was with her full-time while trying to make smart business decisions.  I started drinking more than I ever have, I was fighting with my husband on the daily, we went to bed without talking like it was normal and we were heading towards divorce.  Really.  The conversations and arguments were real, tear-filled and stressful.  

I was living in fear.  My business was always a sure thing until it wasn’t and then everything was getting rocky.  When we reopened the studio, I was revved up and stoked on life…until there were only 4 people in my class. 

Fear creeped back in without me even noticing it was there.  

“Should I even teach anymore?”

“Should I keep the business open?” 

“What’s wrong with me?”

After my first in-person class back, I rolled out my yoga mat and put on some tunes.  I was ready to move and shift my fearful, shitty energy.  But it didn’t work.  I was agitated and ready to burst.  So I gave up.  I turned off the music, laid on my mat and cried.  Then I took two months off work.  

A few weeks into having some time away from watching the steady decline of class attendance and revenue, I started to feel free again.  Until I didn’t.  One night as I laid in bed, I was in full complaint mode.  I complained about everything and everyone to my husband.  And then I gave up and started to cry in silence.  I began to ask, 

“Why do I feel like this?”  I have an incredible life and I feel miserable almost all the time.”  

“What’s wrong with me?"

I woke up the next morning, opened up “A Return to Love, Reflections of a Course in Miracles” by Marianne Williamson and saw the phrase, “A miracle is a shift in perception from fear to love.”  

It was an overnight miracle brought on each time by surrendering.  

We only spend one minute of a 60 minute yoga class surrendering in savasana.  What if we spent more.  What if we surrendered in each pose?  What if we surrendered each time we got scared?  What if we allowed ourselves to be scared, to feel a void of certainty and knowing?  What if we really felt the unique physical sensation in our body that shows up as fear?  

The hardest, most challenging moments of my life have brought fear to the surface, but I have become a champion at pushing them away.  I moved so that I didn’t have to feel them.  I produced so I didn’t have to feel them…and then I analyzed the situation to prove that I was justified in my movement.  

Two weeks ago, while reading Rick Warren’s book “The Purpose Driven LIfe,” I was reminded that I’m allowed to like moving as a form of worshipping God.  So, I’m trying that on now…To move as a form of worship - not as a form of punishment, to numb or escape - but as an opportunity to worship and experience God’s pleasure over my life. 

Love is real.  It is the only thing that is.